A Small Memoir

Most people age twenty, aren’t pregnant with their second child, and watching their husband deploy for the second time in their past two years of marriage. In fact while the majority of my friends were off at college, and making facebook posts about the party they had just gone too, or how they missed their boyfriend, I was mentally preparing for my husbands second deployment, as he packed his bags, brought home power of attorneys and I made the ultimate decision of whether or not I was going home to take care of our son and have our daughter, or stay in San Diego while he was gone. All of this went on until the day finally arrived, and while most of that day was the biggest blur of my life,

The car door slammed with a thud, the sound of its closing jolting me back to reality. I honestly had no clue how exactly I had gotten back in the car, or back to the car, glancing in the rearview mirror, I saw my little blonde boy sleeping in his car seat, relieving my worries that I had forgotten him, as I remembered that one of Brian’s seniors had helped me to the car after the busses had left. I was numb, so numb, as I watched my one-year-old sleep. I fidgeted with the keys in my hand, and felt a small smile coming on when I took a kick to the ribs.  And then reality set in as I let all the tears I had tried to shard to hold back, or had briskly wiped away in the past hours flood forth. The whole morning replayed in my mind.

The alarm had gone off at three in the morning, nowhere near a normal wake up time for me. I tried to ignore it, tried to wish it away. I had dreaded this alarm for the past week. This alarm held nothing good for me. I laid in bed as long as I possibly could, until Brian told me I really had to get out of bed. I dressed quickly and went down stairs to start preparing a bottle, my peace offering to my 14-month-old son, for waking him up at this hour. As I did so, I watched as Brian dressed in his Cammies, knowing that this would be the last time in seven months that I would see him in his uniform, or see him period. I kicked myself mentally, not wanting him to see me staring, knowing that I needed to be strong, even if today I felt the weakest I had ever felt.

We loaded into the car and began the thirty-minute drive to base; both of us were quiet, as I had a death grip on his hand he wasn’t using to drive, as words echoed through my mind as I pushed them down before I said anything that shouldn’t be said. We started a conversation, that I now cannot remember, though you would think that I would, being that it was the last time I talked to my husband face to face in six to seven months. As we reached base, everything became a blur, I shook hands with the people I was just newly meeting, hugged Brian’s Corporal, and his wife. Sat with other wives and made small talk when the guys had to go do something, the longest but shortest hours of my life blended into a blur. And then it was time, I choked down tears as we hugged, and I watched him say good-bye to our son, who I feared was a little to accustomed to us dropping daddy off at work so he could leave for long periods of time. Brian rubbed my belly, as he did so I told the thoughts in my head to shut up, knowing that once again a deployment hindered him from seeing the birth of his child. He then hugged me a second time, before boarding the bus containing the last bit of his battalion deploying, as I stood with all the other wives to watch the buses leave, we all smiled at the sound of voices yelling “GET SOME!”

     As the buses faded from sight, most of the wives started to leave, I stood there for a minute, I must have looked lost standing in the cool sixty degree weather, as one of Brian’s seniors that I had just met that day came up to me, and offered to help me to the car. I replied yes, and told him I was parked near the armory. As he started pushing my stroller, I wrapped my arms around my barely protruding belly, and followed him to the car, letting my thoughts run rampart as he lead the way. And that’s when the sound of the car door closing jostled me from wallowing within myself.

As I sat fiddling with my keys, I knew that I had a choice to make, before I could even leave the parking space. I needed to decide if I was going to actually be strong, or fake it to make it through this deployment. I’d never been on my own before, his last deployment I had been eighteen and pregnant, I had headed home as fast as I could. Knowing that this deployment I was going to be on my own, making all the decisions for my son, gave me a newfound respect for single mothers. And it was in that moment of deciding that if mothers out there could raise children by themselves, and the other wives could go through deployments and stay strong, then it was time I grew up, and quit acting like an overgrown child, and buck up to the job of taking care of what was needed of me.

As if he knew that I had decided to be strong for the both of us, my son woke up and smiled at me, I asked him if he was ready to go home and be mommy’s main man for the next few months, his smile got even bigger. As we pulled out of the parking lot, knowing that the next time we came to base, we’d have one more car seat in the back, and we’d be picking Brian up, knowing that in the next months to follow I would grow up in more ways than I had ever dreamed of. 

A little insight as to what I have been working on kind of. Some of my writing that I haven't done is a LONG time. I hope you enjoy.     p.s.  i think it needs a different title, I'll work on the later. :)

                                               Answers on the Horizon

The sweet smell of rain hung heavy in the air, waves crashed to the shore. I would catch the glimpse of hopeful surfers on the horizon, waiting to ride in on the perfect wave. This was where I felt at home, when the soft rain discouraged most people from littering the sand, I felt as though I belonged. Maybe because I loved the rain, and that paired with the crisp salty air made my aching heart feel at ease.

Sand would squish through my toes as I waded through the murky water, avoiding the kelp that liked to tangle around my ankles. Waves crashed to the shore bringing with them the mixture of laughter and cursing as surfers gathered their wits and headed back out. This was natures symphony to my ears as I trudged further up the shore.

This was where you would find me when I couldn't make sense of the world. In my heart I knew I was battling depression, hoping to find all the answers spelled out for me in the sand, as my tears of frustration mixed with the rain. My answers were always there, I would always leave the somber shore revitalized, until the next rainy day found me pacing the beach, with my thoughts that had run away from me.

To this day I wish I had a stormy shore to stare out at, to find my answers hidden in the waves. As my thoughts were drowned out with the dull roar of the ocean, My heart aches still to feel as at peace as I did standing on the midst of a stormy day and an angry ocean, searching for soothing music to my soul.

The lesson I have learned about strength...

So its been quite a while since I started this blog, back in October when I had high hopes of writing about this deployment. I thought I would have something to write about. But after saying good-bye to my husband, and re adjusting to being my son's only parent at home. I decided to go by the old rule of, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." But today, I feel like I have something to say that isn't fully a complaint. And that comes from the past three phone conversations with my husband, and talking about the loss of his best friend, who had also become a close friend to me as well. That has led me to realize one thing, I am strong, and before this deployment, I never would have considered myself strong.

The beginning of November, I logged on facebook, to find posts on my husbands best friend's wall from his wife, that had me confused. I then checked my phone to see that I had a missed call from my mother in law. When I called her back a few minutes later, I was in tears, and asked "is Matt dead?" I spent the next several hours on the phone with Brian's family, and then came making a second phone call that I was dreading to make. I had to call Katie, I had to know if her husband was all right, or if I was going to be buying a plane ticket to be with her. As I broke the news to Katie that Matt was gone, I was also relieved to know that Derek was okay.

Katie proceeded to fly out to see me, and we drove together to Matt's funeral, suprising his widow. We had spent our first few days together laughing and crying over memories of Matt, and also crying for our husbands knowing that the loss of their friend was going to change our lives. And while sitting on my stairs one night, crying with her. I realized that being strong didn't always mean doing it all on my own. Sometime we need to draw strength from those around us. But in November I felt ashamed to have to lean on a friend, knowing that I needed to be strong for my son, my husband, and the rest of our family.

My cousin Laura and her husband Brian opened up their home to me. I have spents 80 percent of my time at their house rather than alone at mine. To them I will always be thankful, it gave me someone to talk to, and Shiloh four other kids to play with. Plus help for me as I hit the third trimester of my pregnancy. With my cousin Laura, I am sad to say I think I tried to put on a strong front. I wanted to appear that I was so much better than I was feeling. But then Thanksgiving came, and I eneded up puking all over myself in front of two of my Aunts, I was stressed to the max, with what had just happened to Matt, and knowing I wouldn't be able to talk to my husband again until Christmas. She hugged me and told me she was there for me that that was why I was staying with her half the time. But even at that point I ashamed to have let myself get so stressed that I puked. I still tried to stay so strong by myself until I went into labor...

When I went into Labor, Laura was with me as planned. I kept telling her that I couldn't do it, I didn't want to do it. After waiting it seemed like forever to go into Labor, I broke and wanted to turn around keep the baby in. And not only because I was in pain ( at least until i got my epidural) but also because as I think I told Laura that night. I wanted Brian there. I told her that again, a few days later when I was crying on the floor in her son's room as I watched our two one year olds playing. But the truth is, I have drawn strength from Laura this whole deployment, even if it wasn't in talking to her all the time about missing Brian, but being around her and her family, makes me smile and laugh, keeps me sane. They keep me going.

I talk, text, or IM Katie daily. At the moment, my phone is annoying my family as she and I have been texting for hours now. She is my closest friend, my best friend besides my husband. The term "best friend" has taken on a new meaning since highschool, and the friends that I thought were my best friend, and yet when I need them the most, they aren't there. Nor are they really there when I don't need their support. I have drawn strength from her since November, and I would like to say that she does the same with me. And after what we have been through I don't think that our friendship will be one that ends, or comes to a dead end.

These two ladies have been a source of strength the last four months, and will continue to be. And up until a few days ago I would have been ashamed to say that I relied on other people, that i drew strength from these two, and other members of my family and friends. But something my husband said when he asked me to with him to visit Matts family. Because once Brian gets home, I will be a source of strength for him.

Now I know that being strong doesn't mean doing it all by myself, but that doesn't mean that I am not strong all on my own. I have grown as a person. In four months I am not the same person that I was when this all began.

I have learned that I am strong, even when I need to lean on the poeple around. And in learning this I have found a true friend in Katie.

Meet the Family

I'm a stay at home mom, to my wonderful son, and soon to be daughter. And a Marine wife. Both require more patience of me than I think I have. But somehow I get by with the love of my two boys, and soon my daughter. Life is always busy, and there really is never a dull moment.

I have been married to my wonderful husband for two years in November. We didn't date long, less than six months. People will say we rushed...but when you know you know. And I don't feel we rushed. Brian is a Marine, and away more than I like. But its the life I married into, and happily that we will be leaving behind shortly after our upcoming deployment. Its not easy that's for sure, but I wouldn't trade our life for the world. I spend a lot of time missing him, and knowing that no news is good news. But I also know that in a year, maybe a little less, this chapter of our life will be over and we can live a somewhat "normal" life.

Brian and I have a son Shiloh, and a daughter, Kylee. Kylee won't make and appearance into the world until late December or early January, but she is already greatly love. Shiloh is going on 14 months on October 9. He is full of tons of energy and keeps me on my toes since he learned how to walk, and is now trying to run. I love this little boy more than I thought possible. Its hard for me to think back to being sixteen and saying I didn't want kids, because now I know how wrong I was. If Brian and I did only one thing right in our lives, it was having Shiloh, (and even Kylee). Though I will admit, sometimes my patience is tested more than I would like to admit...like now for instance as I see Shiloh getting into something he just go in trouble for getting into not five minutes ago. But its all a learning process, even for me as a first time parent.

I won't be the person to blog everyday, I don't honestly think I have the time for that, with a 14 month old, and my husband about to deploy. But when I do, I hope it will be worth your time. I guess for the most part for now this is a test drive, I used to blog when I was in high school...and I miss it. I miss writing like I used to, and I am trying to get back into it, because I have felt like a little part of who I am has been missing since I quite writing.