The beginning of November, I logged on facebook, to find posts on my husbands best friend's wall from his wife, that had me confused. I then checked my phone to see that I had a missed call from my mother in law. When I called her back a few minutes later, I was in tears, and asked "is Matt dead?" I spent the next several hours on the phone with Brian's family, and then came making a second phone call that I was dreading to make. I had to call Katie, I had to know if her husband was all right, or if I was going to be buying a plane ticket to be with her. As I broke the news to Katie that Matt was gone, I was also relieved to know that Derek was okay.
Katie proceeded to fly out to see me, and we drove together to Matt's funeral, suprising his widow. We had spent our first few days together laughing and crying over memories of Matt, and also crying for our husbands knowing that the loss of their friend was going to change our lives. And while sitting on my stairs one night, crying with her. I realized that being strong didn't always mean doing it all on my own. Sometime we need to draw strength from those around us. But in November I felt ashamed to have to lean on a friend, knowing that I needed to be strong for my son, my husband, and the rest of our family.
My cousin Laura and her husband Brian opened up their home to me. I have spents 80 percent of my time at their house rather than alone at mine. To them I will always be thankful, it gave me someone to talk to, and Shiloh four other kids to play with. Plus help for me as I hit the third trimester of my pregnancy. With my cousin Laura, I am sad to say I think I tried to put on a strong front. I wanted to appear that I was so much better than I was feeling. But then Thanksgiving came, and I eneded up puking all over myself in front of two of my Aunts, I was stressed to the max, with what had just happened to Matt, and knowing I wouldn't be able to talk to my husband again until Christmas. She hugged me and told me she was there for me that that was why I was staying with her half the time. But even at that point I ashamed to have let myself get so stressed that I puked. I still tried to stay so strong by myself until I went into labor...
When I went into Labor, Laura was with me as planned. I kept telling her that I couldn't do it, I didn't want to do it. After waiting it seemed like forever to go into Labor, I broke and wanted to turn around keep the baby in. And not only because I was in pain ( at least until i got my epidural) but also because as I think I told Laura that night. I wanted Brian there. I told her that again, a few days later when I was crying on the floor in her son's room as I watched our two one year olds playing. But the truth is, I have drawn strength from Laura this whole deployment, even if it wasn't in talking to her all the time about missing Brian, but being around her and her family, makes me smile and laugh, keeps me sane. They keep me going.
I talk, text, or IM Katie daily. At the moment, my phone is annoying my family as she and I have been texting for hours now. She is my closest friend, my best friend besides my husband. The term "best friend" has taken on a new meaning since highschool, and the friends that I thought were my best friend, and yet when I need them the most, they aren't there. Nor are they really there when I don't need their support. I have drawn strength from her since November, and I would like to say that she does the same with me. And after what we have been through I don't think that our friendship will be one that ends, or comes to a dead end.
These two ladies have been a source of strength the last four months, and will continue to be. And up until a few days ago I would have been ashamed to say that I relied on other people, that i drew strength from these two, and other members of my family and friends. But something my husband said when he asked me to with him to visit Matts family. Because once Brian gets home, I will be a source of strength for him.
Now I know that being strong doesn't mean doing it all by myself, but that doesn't mean that I am not strong all on my own. I have grown as a person. In four months I am not the same person that I was when this all began.
I have learned that I am strong, even when I need to lean on the poeple around. And in learning this I have found a true friend in Katie.
